The 7 Horniest Christmas Decorations

Its the thirstiest time of the year.

Christmas is right around the corner, folks. Some of us will rejoice at this news, while others may wish it to be any other time of the year. Nevertheless, the holiday season gives us room to make it our own. There’s no gun to our head telling us we have to watch awful network television Christmas specials or demanding that we attend another ugly Christmas sweater party. 

If Frank Constanza can develop a fictitious holiday as an excuse to have loved ones gather around, we non-fictitious types have the ability to extrapolate any meaning we want out of these cold and possibly lonely nights watching crap television. Forget all that. You got Jerry Bees’ blog to read.  

So fuck your Grinch and his big ass heart. Fuck your Linus giving a sermon on the nativity. I’m not here for your morality stories surrounded by a cesspool that is the capitalist monkey shows of department store ads. I’m here to get weird. 

Here are the 7 Horniest Christmas Decorations. 

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Roping 

Do I even need to finish this paragraph? These entries are listed in no specific order, but if there was a hall of fame for horny Christmas decorations, Christmas Roping is the first ballot. They have awards named after roping for their contributions to the game and efforts to elevate it. Tremendous. The safe word is “Yule Log.” 

Inflatable Santa

Inflatables get a bad rap. They’re seen as lowly, but frankly, I don’t agree with that sentiment. It takes a person a lot of courage to go after what they want, and we, the judging public, don’t even know their intentions. For all we know, just having another face to talk to is enough to keep you company for the holidays. Plus, when you really think about it, an inflatable Santa is way more person to hold than the run-of-the-mill anime wifu. 

Candle

Phallic. Hot. Need I say more? Cheers, my friends. 

Swags

I had no idea swags were a thing until I started writing this blog. I’d definitely seen them before, but I figured they were officially called “Christmas things.” They do seem dated, though. Swags are a little old-fashioned, with their thick bush, but if that's your thing, then poop off. If the 1970s taught us anything, a little bush never hurt anybody. 

Holiday Gnomes

I’m not even gonna tell you what this dude smells like.

Mistletoe 

If roping is Michael Jordan, mistletoe is LeBron James. Both are great for their time and place. Mistletoes are romantic as all hell but horny? They certainly can be. But it's one of those “squares are rectangles, but rectangles aren’t squares” situations. In short, mistletoes bring the libido right where it needs to be. Also, I tried sneaking in a joke about feet here since we have “-toes” in mistletoe, but I couldn’t figure it out. Let me know if you got one in the comments, or you can just DM me on Instagram.

Tinsel

Tinsel is flashy and doesn’t waste time. Not interested? Cool, they’ve got other options. It might surprise you to know that tinsel is a sub. Once they find their match, they’ll go as far as clinging to carpets for months, and they’ll wonder how in the world they got so lucky.

Passion. That’s what it’s about, folks. 

What’s Next? 

Jesus fuck, Christmas is in five days??????????